


They Will Fall

by wuyifan (kriswu)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-05-23 05:36:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6106588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswu/pseuds/wuyifan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You can never go from going out to being friends, just like that. It's a lie. It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said ‘friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier.” </p><p>–Sarah Dessen</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing chaptered. ~~Scared shitless.~~
> 
> Warnings, tags and characters will be added as story progresses.

Baekhyun moved to Australia when he was 16, since his father travelled there a lot due to work. When his boss finally promoted him, they’d had to move. He, his mother, and his brother met his father at the airport in Adelaide, and it seemed like they would be a functional family, finally.

 

He wasn’t completely right, though. When he turned 20, he met Jongin; another boy coming from Korea. He met him in their first year; they had their English class together and sat together from the beginning. Baekhyun wasn’t exactly shy, but he wasn’t going to just talk to a pretty stranger sitting beside him; Jongin, on the other hand, just didn’t feel like making a new friend just yet, so he kept quiet. But then, Baekhyun hadn’t really known what to do, so he asked Jongin to sit with him for lunch, and so, they started talking.

 

Jongin thought Baekhyun had the exact amount of wild to balance out his own amount of cheeky. Baekhyun thought Jongin was nothing like he seemed to be, what with that mysterious look, anyone would think him to be a deep guy who would quote Aristotle and Nietzsche, but he’d turned out to be a very normal guy. They liked each other instantly, as if they’d known what they were getting themselves into. They were young and still silly, though.

 

Baekhyun’s room became their hideout of sorts, and they would spend most of their time locked in there, doing homework and talking about their hopes and dreams, their secrets and problems. It wasn’t difficult or surprising for them to feel infatuated with each other. Jongin had been the first person to really listen to Baekhyun’s fears and the only one to stay even after being let in in Baekhyun’s tormented thoughts.

 

He had been afraid at first, but learnt how to deal with Baekhyun without scaring him away. In exchange, Baekhyun had been the only person to not judge Jongin’s dreams, even if they weren’t all that much realistic.

 

They’d never been in love before, and, while Baekhyun had actually liked other people before, he’d never felt something as strange as what he felt for Jongin. They thought they were in love, they held hands in the hallways and they kissed until they were out of breath in each room of Baekhyun’s home. Until one day, Baekhyun’s mother came home from work a bit too early and found them kissing on the sofa. She had kept calm until Jongin left. She then proceeded to tell Baekhyun things he’d always wish he could forget, and, consequently, kicked him out.

 

Jongin and his mother had always had an incredibly close relationship; she knew Jongin’s preference even before he himself had come to terms with it, so, when Baekhyun knocked on their door a couple of hours after Jongin had come home with a blank stare on his face, she knew something had happened that involved the two of them.

 

They’d –mostly Baekhyun– explained what happened as they all drank tea. When he’d finished telling the side of the story that neither Jongin nor his mother had witnessed, silence set in the room. Baekhyun was too scared and Jongin was too stunned, both of them unable to break the silence, until Jongin’s mother turned around with a determined look on her face.

 

“You’re of age, right?” Baekhyun nodded. “Well, we’re going there, I’m having a chat with your mother and you’re getting your most important stuff,” she thought about it for a second, “and you’ll be staying here until you’ve saved enough money to rent, if you want to live on campus, is that okay?” He nodded once again, feeling so grateful he thought he’d break down in tears right then and there.

 

 

**艱**

 

 

He could hear footsteps downstairs, as well as plates being put in the sink, and water running. He could hear birds chirping outside, and cars speeding in a near distance. He could hear music playing, and it sounded nice, but his head wasn’t really enjoying it. It pounded and hurt and made him want to scream, but he was fairly sure that’d be something that would do more harm than it’d help.

 

Turning around felt like he might as well have been inside a washing machine. Flashbacks from the night before started flooding back to him, and for once he was grateful to at least remember something from it.

 

He was finally done with university, and it felt grand. The whole Theatre and English class of 2013 had decided to go out to celebrate and get incredibly pissed off their faces, which had felt like a great idea at the moment, except he was now hungover and wanted to kill everyone and go back to sleep.

 

He got up moments later, to find some kid –Ben, perhaps?– sprawled on the floor. Had they had sex? He couldn’t remember that, but he was still wearing his sweatpants, so he could almost be sure he hadn’t gotten laid last night. He shrugged off the feeling of doubt and resumed his walk to his closet to grab some clean clothes and pants, and then headed to the bathroom down the hall. He could smell tea and biscuits, which meant it was either too early for him, or too late for waking up to be socially acceptable. He didn’t care.

 

When he was done with his long, relaxing shower, he looked at himself in the mirror, making a face at his reflection; he looked helpless. Big purple bags under his eyes, as if he’d been in a fight, face pale. Hangovers just didn’t suit his face. He refrained himself from seeing the rest of his body, so he just left the bathroom, quickly throwing his dirty pants in the laundry bin and heading to the kitchen.

 

He found Jongin already making him his own cup of tea. He looked far less miserable, which wasn’t really fair at all.

 

“Rough hangover?” he asked with his ridiculous I-know-it-is-I’m-just-being-a-dick smirk.

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun said as he slid down on one of the chairs that didn’t really match the others, but had become his favourite in the past three years.

 

Jongin just nodded, grabbing Baekhyun’s favourite mug, pouring the liquid in it and handing it to him. Jongin then turned back to find a couple tablets, which Baekhyun took gratefully, and three biscuits, because Jongin knew better than to make Baekhyun hyper while he nursed a hangover.

 

Baekhyun just sipped the tea, making an approving sound, and took the tablets, grimacing a little at the feeling of them going down his throat. Then he started nibbling on the biscuits, Jongin looked at him intently.

 

“What?” Baekhyun asked him.

 

“I don’t think I can actually ask you while you’re in this…” he tried to find the right word while gesturing softly with his hand “state, I suppose.” Baekhyun just nodded and finished eating what his friend had made. He shook his head, hoping to shake his thoughts away, too.

 

“What do we do next?” He asked Jongin.

 

“Find a job and pretend we know what we’re doing, I reckon.” Jongin simply answered.

 

This was the reason why he liked Jongin so much, he was dead honest, whether people liked it or not.

 

“Well, Jongin, we’re going to get fired from every place, and after the fifth time, they’ll start putting photos of us on the papers: ‘do not hire them’, you just wait.” Jongin just chuckled.

 

Baekhyun put his plate and cup on the sink, and Jongin walked up to it and started washing them off. They would always work like a team, only a tad one-sided, since Baekhyun was too lazy – and, perhaps, a bit spoilt by Jongin. Not that either of them actually cared.

 

While Jongin finished tidying up their small kitchen, Baekhyun headed out to the balcony, sat on his usual chair and looked out to the city at their feet. There was something about it that made him feel both trapped and free, he sometimes loved it and sometimes hated it. He could never – and would never – make up his mind about anything, he felt things in two ways; it was worrying when he didn’t.

 

He could see the sun setting not far from where they were, something he was glad for; he loved sunsets. He felt Jongin come up behind him, sit on the chair beside him, and light a cigarette. He offered one and Baekhyun took it, only if to do something. He felt restless and tired, and he knew he couldn’t blame his hangover. It wasn’t because of that.

 

They watched the sunset and smoked in silence, too caught up in their own thoughts to actually pay attention to the other. He’d been living with Jongin for the past three years and a half, and he couldn’t see himself living without him. That was a problem, but just like most of his personal problems, Baekhyun wasn’t really keen on solving it.

 

They’d agreed to be just friends after they talked about their feelings. They loved each other dearly, but it hadn’t been enough; staying friends had been the smartest decision.

 

“I want to go home,” Baekhyun said.

 

Jongin looked up at him, puzzled, “what do you mean by ‘home’?” he asked.

 

Baekhyun seemed to think how to answer that question correctly. To Jongin it obviously meant going back to his family, but that was not what Baekhyun meant.

 

“Korea. I want to go back there,” he answered slowly.

 

Jongin nodded and looked away. He might have thought Baekhyun wanted to leave him behind and start a new life, but Baekhyun knew better, and he’d wait till Jongin said something.

 

“Why do you want to go back there?” Jongin asked a few moments later.

 

He didn’t sound angry, just curious. Jongin had no idea what to say, because he didn’t really know why. He’d lived in Australia for the past eight years, and he liked it. The weather was always nice and warm, something that didn’t happen as much back home. But he also wanted to leave his past behind him. He wanted to never be afraid of running into his family, or someone he’d fucked in a grimy bathroom back when he didn’t care what was in his glass or who he did. He wanted a new beginning; he was far too bruised and even bluer, no matter how hard he tried to feel better. There really was nothing to feel bad about.

 

But he didn’t want to leave Jongin or his mother behind, either, because they’d been his home and they’d always be all he had. Jongin shook him softly by the shoulders and when Baekhyun looked into his eyes, he saw expectation there.

 

“I don’t know,” he told Jongin sincerely, “I want to start over, you know? Leave all this shit behind me; being here, even if it’s far enough away from my family, it’s suffocating me.” Jongin’s expression softened even more than before. He nodded as he lit up another cigarette. He didn’t say anything until it was over.

 

“We can do that,” he’d said. Just like that, like he wouldn’t be leaving his life, other friends, and most important, his family behind.

 

Sometimes Baekhyun hated how compliant Jongin could be, but he hated even more the way they both were so dependent on each other.

 

“You can’t do that, love,” he told Jongin.

 

“Yes, I can. I will if that’s what you want,” was the stubborn answer he got before Jongin headed back inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Insomnia had become a regular thing with time, but it never stopped being an obnoxious problem. Rolling on to the other side of his single bed, Baekhyun looked at the clock on the nightstand: two in the morning. He felt like it was mocking him, he could hear it in his head, ‘you’re fucked, you’re not sleeping tonight and I’m here to remind you every time’. He sighed. He was, now, hearing voices. He chuckled inwardly, bitterly thinking that he really needed to talk to someone. His brain was out of control.

 

He got up from his bed, giving up on the pretence of getting any sleep; he knew he wouldn’t. Instead he grabbed his laptop and turned it on, waited a few minutes and then started looking up the cost of plane tickets to Seoul.

 

He wasn’t exactly poor, but he would surely appreciate low prices; he wasn’t swimming in a pool full of money, either. He found cheap tickets, and bookmarked the website. While he knew he wanted to go there –and that Jongin was coming, too–, he didn’t know when to do so. See, what scared him most was the great abyss between his feet and life.

 

He somewhat knew what he wanted, but it didn’t necessarily mean he knew how to get it done; he wanted to just close his eyes for a minute, open them and find it had all been done for him. Not that he would thank the person who did it, instead he would probably hire them to be his personal assistant, even if it was to sort his personal life out.

 

He checked the clock again: 02 34. He rolled his eyes at it, closed his laptop and walked out of the room. Outside, he eyed Jongin’s cigarettes on the kitchen table, grabbed them and headed to the balcony.

 

Life was getting to him in the worst way possible. He could make out cars on the highway and a few people walking by the park around the corner. Idly, he wondered if they worried about the consequences, if a one night stand would leave them happy, or if they did it to just fill the empty space in their beds, while making the empty of their hearts grow even bigger. After what felt like hours, he decided to get up and go back to bed, knowing that anything he tried would be futile and would leave him even more wired.

 

Once he was in his room again, he grabbed his pillows and duvet and snuck in Jongin’s room. He wasn’t sure why he did it or if Jongin would wake up to make him room to lie down, but he didn’t really mind. As he closed the door, Jongin got up from the bed, but it was too dark to make out his face.

 

“I can’t sleep; can I stay here till morning?” Baekhyun whispered.

 

The only thing he got as an answer was a sleepy ‘mhmm’. He made himself a small space in Jongin’s bed, waiting for him to come back to bed. When he did, he was a bit more awake, but still as sleepy.

 

“Why can’t you sleep?” he asked Baekhyun, who shrugged, even though it wasn’t visible.

 

“Too wired,” he replied.

 

“It’s almost four in the morning, Baek,” Jongin sounded stern, “tell me you’ve not been up all night.” Baekhyun bit his lip, thankfully it was too dark for Jongin to see the guilt on his face, but of course, no one knew him better and his silence was answer enough. “Come here,” Jongin sighed as he walked to the bed and lay beside him.

 

Baekhyun did as he was told, and Jongin just hugged him tightly, kissed his forehead and brushed his fingers through Baekhyun’s hair.

 

“Let’s just cuddle, yeah?” Jongin continued and Baekhyun nodded, sighing contentedly. “We’ll purposefully sleep in, I’ll make us both brunch, and we’ll go see my mum in the afternoon, sounds good?”

 

This time, Baekhyun lifted his head as if he could see Jongin’s face, “you’re a man after my own heart,” Jongin just giggled.

 

They went back to their previous position and fell asleep like that. Baekhyun was smiling, though.

 

 

**伈**

 

 

 

Just as Jongin had planned, he woke up at a quarter past ten, having enough time to shower and prepare brunch for himself and Baekhyun.

 

By the time it was eleven, he’d set the table in the balcony and carefully put the plates and mugs on it. Walking to his room to wake Baekhyun up was definitely not something he’d been looking forward to; Baekhyun’s morning mood was the worst, and Jongin knew he hadn’t slept that much, but they had plans for the day, so he sat down on the edge of his bed, quickly wondering how’d they slept there if now it seemed like Baekhyun took the whole space and needed more.

 

“Baek,” he said loud enough, shaking Baekhyun softly by the arms.

 

“No, Jongin,” Baekhyun mumbled sleepily, “don’t do this, let me sleep.”

 

Jongin smiled, “brunch is ready and I’m not allowing you to fuck up my schedule for today so get up and meet me in the balcony in ten minutes, or else you’ll be woken up with a wet willy,” Baekhyun groaned at this, and started disentangling himself from the duvet as Jongin went back into the kitchen and then the balcony.

 

Baekhyun finally came to sit at the table, Jongin being positive that those sweatpants weren’t Baekhyun’s. He knew Baekhyun had probably counted ten minutes exactly, if anything, to fuck with Jongin’s mood. Jongin knew him too well, knew his antics and flaws and all the things Baekhyun would always do just to get back at him, even if it was for the most childish reason.

 

“Now I’m in a shit mood, you see,” Baekhyun said, sounding completely calm, but looking like he could strangle Jongin if he got too close, “because I didn’t get my eight-hour beauty sleep, learn to deal.”

 

Jongin sighed, but smiled; he’d learnt to deal with that years before.

 

They ate silently, neither of them fond of speaking while they ate. When they were done, Jongin cleaned the table and put the plates in the sink.

 

“Go shower and shave, Baek. Then we’re going to my mum’s, yeah?” Baekhyun nodded and went to the bathroom.

 

He felt nice and had to admit seeing her was always a good thing. She was like a mother, and she treated him exactly like she treated Jongin.

 

Jongin did the dishes and then went to his room to make his bed and get ready. He and Baekhyun had clothes and everything they needed back home, too, so he just grabbed his and Baekhyun’s phone chargers, their phones and their wallets, and put it all in a small bag. He could already hear Baekhyun tease him, ‘oh look, Jongin carries a clutch bag’ while making faces at him, and he could foresee himself laughing at it and smacking a hand at Baekhyun’s back.

 

When he was done packing the minimal amount of things they were taking, he grabbed a couple bags of snacks, and a six pack, went down and loaded the car, then went back up and waited for Baekhyun to be ready. He wouldn’t be for the next thirty minutes or so, so it was probable Jongin would nap.

 

 

**家庭**

 

 

“Why do you always get to drive? I like driving,” Baekhyun whined, sipping his beer and pouting at Jongin.

 

“Because if you drove, we’d get there three hours later, if at all,” Jongin rolled his eyes, parking in front of his childhood home.

 

He grabbed the bag he’d brought and walked towards the door, Baekhyun behind him. When he opened the door, he saw his mother sitting at the kitchen table with three cups of tea and two empty chairs. He ran to her and hugged her for several seconds, till she made a noise.

 

“I’m glad to see you, too, love, but you’re strangling me,” his mother told him, turning to hug Baekhyun, who was a little more careful but just as eager as Jongin.

 

“Missed you loads, mother; how could you leave me with your cruel son for so long and not come visit?” Baekhyun joked, but Jongin glared at him.

 

They all sat at the table and drank tea, they told her about their last days at uni, and in general, it was a nice afternoon.

 

 

“Do you ever get lonely here?” Jongin asked his mother at dinner.

 

She looked at him with a confused look on her face, “sometimes. It was easier when you and Baekhyun lived here,” she told him, “but you know I enjoy being alone most of the time, love. Why?”

 

Jongin looked like he was not sure what to say, but he looked at Baekhyun for a second and decided right there.

 

“Oh, it’s just Baek and I are thinking about moving back to Korea… and I want you to come.” he said.

 

“Actually,” Baekhyun added, “we want you to come, not just Jongin. You’re my mum too.”

 

Jongin’s mother looked like she might burst into tears, but she swallowed hard and fought them back, looking alternatively between both of her sons.

 

“Since when have you been planning this and why am I only finding out about it just now?” Was all she said.

 

“I told Jongin a couple days ago that I wanted to go back home, because I’m tired of feeling trapped here,” Baekhyun explained, “we wouldn’t have gone a week without one of us calling you in the middle of the night to know your opinion.”

 

 

After that, she told them she’d think about it, and that was that. Then they sat on the sofa and watched movies till it was midnight.

 

“I have work tomorrow, but you can stay here if you want,” she said, kissing both of them on their foreheads and heading upstairs.

 

Baekhyun wanted to watch another movie but Jongin was sleepy, so he curled up on Baekhyun’s lap while he pet his hair. They woke up the next morning at around ten, with sore necks and a thick duvet draped over them.

 

“You awake?” Jongin asked, as Baekhyun stirred and mhmm’d. “Good. I didn’t want to wake you up, but right now, my neck is killing me and I don’t think I can stay in this position for one more minute,” he disentangled himself from Baekhyun’s legs and got up. His whole body hurt, and he was sure Baekhyun would bitch about his own pains a lot during the day.

 

 

It felt as if they’d never left home.

 

They shared the bathroom then ran downstairs –Baekhyun ran, Jongin tried to not die while avoiding Baekhyun’s feet–, and ate cereal with coffee. Jongin wasn’t sure why, but he felt blue.

 

He missed home, yes, but he felt like he missed something else, which wasn’t rational at all; everything he’d ever had was there. His mother had gone to work and she’d be back at noon for lunch, Baekhyun was sitting on the same chair he used to use when they still lived there, and he was on the same place he’d always be while eating breakfast without his mother, but it felt like there was something missing somehow. Maybe it was himself.

 

Baekhyun felt sad, too. This wasn’t a novelty, but he hadn’t let himself think too much about it the past months; in all honesty, he didn’t want to have to deal with it all again, much less have to upset Jongin with his problems. He didn’t want to feel sadder now; he’d been doing so well.

 

He was okay, had plans for his future and people who loved him and wanted what was best for him and, more importantly, who were willing to stand by him through it all, so why now?

 

“Baekhyun,” Jongin called.

 

He looked up, “yeah?” He thought his voice would come out loud and clear, but instead, it sounded like a pitiful whisper.

 

“What do you want to do today?”

 

Baekhyun seemed to think about it, but all he wanted was to cry and scream and never leave his bed, so he told Jongin.

 

“I just want to stay in bed and watch a movie, or any TV series, and I want a million hugs because I’m sad.”

 

He’d never liked saying that out loud, but there was no use hiding it from Jongin when he would notice anyway.

 

“Ice cream, too?” Jongin asked as he walked to the fridge, not really waiting for Baekhyun to answer. Jongin’s mum had bought their favourites, it seemed.

 

“I told her we were coming when you were acting like a diva yesterday morning.” Baekhyun laughed. Of course Jongin would tell her, and of course she would buy them stuff they liked, because just like Jongin, his mother loved to spoil them rotten.

 

“You two are going to get me fat just to cook me for Christmas, aren’t you? You just can’t trust pretty people, see where it’s got me!” This time, Jongin laughed hard. Only Baekhyun could make him laugh like that. What a jerk.

 

“We weren’t actually going to wait till Christmas, though.”

 

Baekhyun looked scandalised, but a little less sad than a few minutes ago, so Jongin made his mission of the day to make Baekhyun laugh and smile until his eyes stopped looking so sad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLOOOO! I'm back, finally. I should be starting to update regularly again, every second week. Here's chapter three, hope it's good. ♡

They spent the day snuggling and watching movies. Jongin was being extra funny and extra careful and it didn’t go unnoticed by Baekhyun, who didn’t say anything anyway, because he just knew. 

By the end of the afternoon, they had showered –not together, of course–, threw old clothes on, tidied up the living room and their rooms, and made dinner. When Jongin’s mother got home, she was genuinely surprised and happy because someone had cooked a meal for her. 

“Thank you, boys,” she told them, trying to control her fond and failing miserably.

“It’s the least we can do,” Baekhyun said. 

They ate, Baekhyun and Jongin silently and their mum talking about her day and the things she’d seen; if there was something she loved almost as much as she loved the two boys in front of her, it was her job. 

“After all these years, it still makes me happy to go there every day, see the same faces and do the same things,” she told them. When she was about to finish her food, she looked up to Baekhyun and Jongin, eyeing them suspiciously, “I don’t want you to feel bad, yeah?” They nodded, “but… is there a reason behind this?” She looked both apologetic and suspicious. 

Jongin laughed, “you’re such a mum,” he shook his head.

“We’re just this… old married couple without the old and the married part,” Baekhyun said. “We got bored and decided we wanted to cook.” 

Jongin nodded and added “that’s right, there isn’t a reason; we just felt like cooking, so we did. It turned out pretty well.” 

Bora then smiled, “really. I taught you well, and you taught Baekhyun well.”

Baekhyun and Jongin started talking about their day after that, the movies they watched, how many times Jongin fell asleep thinking Baekhyun wouldn’t notice, and their deep analyses of what they thought each movie was about. Bora couldn’t stop smiling alternatively at them, she had that look on her face she’d had when they told her how in love they were, years ago. 

“Bora, you have that look on your face…” Baekhyun said, seemingly serious, but amused.

He knew that face all too well, and he wasn’t worried about what she’d say because it was the truth, but he also knew how stubborn he and Jongin could be. Jongin just sighed at them, knowing it was best to just stay quiet. 

“Oh, yeah,” Bora bit his lip trying not to smile, “earlier you said you’re like an old, married couple, but without the old and the married part,” Baekhyun nodded and Jongin covered his face with his hand, “does that mean you’re a couple, then? You do look very coupley, I admt,” she teased, looking like a toddler who had just been naughty and got away with it. 

Baekhyun laughed loudly just as Jongin banged his head against the table surface repeatedly. God, how could they be so happy about this, it made Jongin’s skin crawl and feel hot. 

“Why do you ask?” Baekhyun said, still laughing a bit. 

At this point, Jongin walked out of the kitchen, he needed a cigarette and not listen his mum and his adoptive brother forward slash ex-boyfriend talk about their relationship.

“Ah, young Baekhyun,” Bora sat down on her chair looking at him, a bit more serious now, “I will always wait for the day you tell me you got back together.” 

Baekhyun, now serious, seemed to think about it for a few moments, “I know,” he said simply. 

“Don’t look so defeated, love. I know you two love each other dearly, and I know you both are the thickest men ever,” she grabbed one of Baekhyun’s hands; “I also know you will do what’s right, even if it means doing everything wrong a million times before. He loves you with all his heart and he’s never stopped.” 

Baekhyun couldn’t breathe properly, so he just held Bora’s –rather intense– gaze. He liked her eyes, they were sincere and pretty, like Jongin’s. 

“I don’t think he will ever stop,” Bora said thoughtfully, making Baekhyun snap back to reality. “I know you love him too, and I know you’re a little lost right now, but he will wait and he will stand by you, because that’s just who he is. You two are very lucky to have each other,” She stood up and walked over to Baekhyun, who also got up to hug her tightly.

“I know I’m lucky because I have you both in my life,” Baekhyun said, feeling more emotional than the situation required.

 

Later that night, Bora made tea for the three of them. 

They sat on the sofa like they always did, and talked about their plans; Baekhyun told them about the money he’d saved in the past years and the price of the plane tickets to Incheon.

Jongin listened and sometimes would tell Baekhyun that if they did a certain thing differently, it would come out better. They all had agreed that Bora would pay a visit at least three times a year, since she didn’t want to leave Australia. 

“You are young; you can do anything because you’re still not old enough to settle down. I have settled down already, I have a permanent job, a house and a life here. I can’t just ditch that and go with you; it’s not the same for me,” she said. 

Baekhyun looked like he could have burst into tears, while Jongin just nodded; he seemed to have already thought this through, like he knew Bora wouldn’t come with them and was okay with it.

“Can I ask you something?” Baekhyun said when they were standing in the middle of Jongin’s room, just as Jongin sat on the windowsill.

“You mean another question, right?” 

Baekhyun smiled taking that as a yes, “yeah,” he replied, but didn’t quite know how to word his thoughts. “Alright, bear with me, because I know what I want to ask, but I don’t know how,” Jongin nodded and waited patiently. 

In that moment, all Baekhyun could think of was how much he wanted to go sit on Jongin’s lap and cuddle and kiss him, but he knew this would happen beforehand. He had to be stronger than that, though; he didn’t want to fuck things up when he was already walking on thin ice. 

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I know we’re friends, I know we’re pretty much tied at the hip, and I know I can’t see a life without you in it,” he started saying, as Jongin looked at him, still waiting, always waiting, “so, don’t think I’m doubting you, I’m just curious,” he sighed again; “why do you want to come with me to Korea?”

Baekhyun wasn’t the most self-assured person in the world, he knew it. He would never understand how Jongin still stood by him, why he was so pliant. 

Most of the time, all Baekhyun wanted was to be alone; he was moody, bossy and too sad, and he knew he himself wouldn’t put up with someone like that. He barely tried and only because he couldn’t get away from himself. 

He knew Jongin loved him, but he couldn’t understand why; he was the farthest from the Baekhyun Jongin had first met.

He looked at Jongin only to find him standing right in front of him, “what did mum say while I avoided you two?” he asked, surprising Baekhyun.

“I asked first, wait your turn,” he barely managed to hide his surprise, but his answer sounded too small, too quiet. 

“I need you to tell me in order for me to tell you, Baek,” Jongin said, grabbing Baekhyun softly by the shoulders. 

“Cheater,” Baekhyun smiled, “she told me uh… okay, don’t get weirded out, yeah?” Jongin nodded, putting his hands on his own hips instead. Baekhyun took a deep breath and closed his eyes, “she said you love me.” 

That was that. 

Baekhyun wouldn’t open his eyes, and Jongin was feeling a bit too surprised. He’d thought Bora would guilt trip Baekhyun into going alone, or let something slip about her missing them, but that... that was unexpected. 

It wasn’t a lie. It actually couldn’t be truer; he just thought he was better at hiding it. Then again, he wasn’t even trying; he was planning to move to Korea with Baekhyun just for the sake of Baekhyun’s mental health. He was too indulgent, and now that he thought about it, he was pretty damn obvious. 

He chuckled softly, and the sound made Baekhyun open his eyes. He blinked, as if asking Jongin what had made him laugh. Jongin knew he couldn’t outright tell Baekhyun that it was true, even if it was the truth, but there was not another explanation.

“You’ve got your answer, then,” he told Baekhyun, kissing his forehead and leaving him alone.

 

Waking up on Sunday had been incredibly… bad. Jongin hated leaving his mum, although he loved living with Baekhyun at their own place. 

Perhaps that was the problem. 

He’d been trying to act nonchalant around Baekhyun, given the statement he’d made on Tuesday. He’d confirmed Baekhyun that, yes, he was very much still in love with him. Baekhyun had been acting normal, but something was definitely off between them.

Jongin rolled over the bed, facing the ceiling. He was never one to be careful about his feelings and his words; nicely worded, he was just emotionally blunt. Then Baekhyun had come along, got broken along the way, and stayed, and Jongin just knew he couldn’t hurt him on purpose.

If you asked Jongin when did he first realise he was in love with Baekhyun, he’d say he doesn’t know, but he does know. 

When Baekhyun moved into his house after his parents kicked him out, they’d had to share a room, since the one that was unoccupied didn’t have any bed. Bora didn’t have a problem with them sharing a bed, she trusted Jongin with her everything; she had never forbid him from doing anything. 

Baekhyun had claimed the left side of the bed, which was Jongin’s side. Jongin just sighed and rolled to the other side, just like that. He would have murdered anyone who’d ever suggest taking that side of his bed, yet there he was, on the right side because Baekhyun had liked Jongin’s side better.

A fortnight later, they were both lying on their sides, facing each other. Baekhyun hadn’t wanted to get up for breakfast, so Jongin had brought it upstairs for him. 

Since he’d met Baekhyun, Jongin had known he hated to feel/seem vulnerable, so seeing him so blue, so quiet, so unlike Baekhyun, was getting him on his nerves. He hadn’t known how to help this Baekhyun, so he did things he knew Baekhyun loved; he started to draw invisible circles on the back of his neck, his shoulders and arms. 

It took a while, but Baekhyun had started to relax, wrapping himself around Jongin, hugging him tightly and crying. He held onto Jongin for hours, until he was so exhausted he couldn’t even move, and fell asleep. Jongin stayed with him until he woke up, at half three in the afternoon, hungry and complaining about it.

Jongin hadn’t said a single word about the morning events; he had gone about his life as if it’d never happened. Baekhyun was grateful. 

When Bora came home in the evening, Jongin had decided he was going to have a serious talk with her. 

“What’s wrong, love?” she’d asked him, without him even telling her. 

Sighing, he got into her bed, looked down and blurted out an “I thought it was just this teen thing in which you feel infatuated with your best friend, but mum, I think I really am in love with Baekhyun.”

Bora had laughed softly, kissed his temple and looked him in the eyes, “neither of you are teens anymore, though, but it was about time one of you realised their feelings for the other, huh?” because of course, Jongin had thought, of course she’d realised before. “What made you notice, though? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Jongin really didn’t care, his mother knew him even better than Baekhyun, and that had to mean something, right? 

“It’s been a growing thing, I guess?” he started fiddling with the hem of his shirt, “firstly, I’d never wanted someone the way I want him. Mum, I don’t even think about having sex with him.” 

Bora had laughed hard at that because she couldn’t really believe she was having that conversation with Jongin; “go on, darling,” she told him, still giggling.

“It’s true, though. I just want to hold him until he’s happy again. I let him take my side of the bed, and I feel so protective of him,” Bora had started laughing again, “mum! I’m serious!” he’d said, not really upset.

“Of course you are, love. I just never thought we’d have a conversation like this.” 

He sighed, “do you think it is love? I mean, it feels different. I’d never felt like this about anyone,” he whispered; “he was always different to and for me, in a good way. He makes my stomach drop every time he looks at me, I can hardly ever say no to him or hurt him, mum. I’m fucked.”

Bora looked at him for a long minute before saying, “I can’t tell you what it is, because I’m not you, love, and we’re different people with different feelings. Whether you can or can’t put a name to your feelings, I believe you should tell him.” Jongin only nodded before hugging her tightly and whispering a heartfelt ‘thank you’ against her shoulder.

When he and Baekhyun went to bed that night, they were just there. 

Looking into each other’s eyes had become a big part of their relationship. Baekhyun was still quiet, absently scratching Jongin’s side with his nails. Jongin had decided there wouldn’t be a better time to tell Baekhyun about his feelings; his only problem was that he didn’t want to explain himself, so he’d just cupped Baekhyun’s face with his hand and told him.

“Baekhyun,” Jongin said, looking into his eyes. He took a deep breath; “I love you.”

Baekhyun’s hand had stopped moving and his eyes looked full of emotion, an emotion that hadn’t been there for quite a while, and so Jongin just leant in and kissed him slowly, deeply, biting Baekhyun’s bottom lip ever so softly. 

Luckily enough, Baekhyun had kissed him back. They’d kissed for a long while before Baekhyun decided he was entirely too sleepy, burying his face in Jongin’s neck and leaving a few kisses here and there. To this day, Jongin still remembers that night in its entirety, sometimes wishing he could just forget, or have it back just one more time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I late? YEEES, yes I am. I can't seem to keep my word about updating. I'm scared because I've had horrble writers block lately and I don't have chapter five ready yet. I'm REALLY scared.
> 
> I'll learn how to apologise in many different languages.

IV

 

Although Jongin had been acting a bit weirdly, he’d let Baekhyun drive back home. As they were getting into the car, Bora told them to come over again soon. 

Jongin sighed and said he actually had a job, while Baekhyun said “sooner than you think!” kissing her on the cheek. 

Driving always made Baekhyun feel so free; he’d always dreamt of taking someone out for a date and drive them back to their house at dusk. He was content he got to do it now with Jongin on the seat beside him. 

Jongin felt like crying. Leaving his mother, having to deal with his feelings while trying not to make things even more awkward between him and Baekhyun and having to wake up early tomorrow because he had to go to work, everyhing was suffocating him. He wondered when would everything fall into place, he was starting to get tired of living the shitty student life now that he actually had a diploma.

Baekhyun stopped at a coffee shop and got them coffee and pastries. 

It wasn’t unusual that Jongin stayed quiet while on the road, but Baekhyun never shut up, not even when he was driving, which alarmed Jongin. 

“Are you okay?” he asked Baekhyun, who tensed visibly. 

“Bit distracted, is all. Thinking about the Seoul thing and money,” he answered. That seemed to placate Jongin a little; in the end, Baekhyun was a real worrier.

 

When they got home, the first thing they did was throw themselves on their respective beds. A couple hours later, Baekhyun got up and made dinner for both of them. When it was all ready, they ditched their balcony table and sat instead on the sofa, having decided to watch a movie before going to bed. They threw a duvet on themselves as soon as they finished their food and, as usual, Baekhyun put his head on Jongin’s lap while Jongin threaded his fingers through Baekhyun’s hair. 

It was a musical; Baekhyun loved it and Jongin thought that, albeit beautiful, it was a bit too complicated, but it was a classic and he had grown up watching it a million times a year since his mother loved it as well.

After the movie was over, Jongin was already ready to go for his before-bed smoke and then, bed. Baekhyun followed him outside and took a cigarette too. 

The thing about them, Jongin thought, was that in the beginning, they had been too full of life, bouncy boys desperate to have a life and live it, too excitable and happy. They’d known nothing about real life at the moment, and it’d hit Baekhyun harder when it’d been time to finally face reality; he never quite recovered from it, never transitioned completely, and was still too afraid of life and himself. 

It worried Jongin to no end, because he knew offering help would do anything but, but Baekhyun would never ask for help either. It was self destruction at its finest, a time bomb.

“Jongin?” Baekhyun said, almost whispering. Jongin raised an eyebrow so Baekhyun continued, “can we… can I sleep with you tonight? I’m feeling a bit under the weather, I want cuddles,” he paused, and then added, pensively, “you give the best cuddles.” 

Jongin hated to admit that he loved when Baekhyun pouted whenever he wanted Jongin to comply; he hated to admit that he had melted at his words because he knew it’d have its consequences. 

He would never understand why Baekhyun couldn’t admit to his feelings and let himself be helped, get better. Be happy. 

Jongin sighed at his thoughts, not wanting to add anything else to his list of reasons to cry, seeing as he apparently had company for the night. 

“Yeah, okay. We can do that.” 

Baekhyun’s face lit up as he grinned. Jongin thought he was going to heaven for being such a saint and not kissing him right there and then, and then chuckled.

 

A half hour later, they were both in Jongin’s bed, duvet pulled up to their chins, until Baekhyun shifted closer to Jongin, tucking himself under his chin and wrapping his arm around Jongin’s bare middle. 

“Love you, Jongin. Good night.” 

Jongin breathed evenly, even though his insides were basically freaking the fuck out, for lack of a better word.

“Sweet dreams, Baek.” 

He was sure his night would be much longer than he would like it to be.

 

It must have been midnight by the time he jolted awake, he cursed the heavens for it; he wasn’t a light sleeper, but his brain was too awake and very conscious of the person wrapped in his arms, who happened to be one big part of the reason he was unable to sleep. Baekhyun was still clinging to Jongin’s body.

“You awake, Baek?” he whispered softly but got no answer.

Something Jongin hated about himself was the fact that he could tell himself not to think about something, and his mind would not delve too much into it. But then, when life decided he remember it, whether he liked it or not, it would be a complete mental riot, and he knew that right now, he was an utter mess; really close to a meltdown. 

He had a feeling something was up with Baekhyun, though it could be just his guilt speaking. But it was also his brain and his heart screaming –sneering, more like– at him that he loved Baekhyun even more than he did before. 

He ached to hug and kiss the other boy, to just be with him and touch his face and arms and skin in a way that no one would ever think it was just friendly. He laughed at himself; he would never feel just friendly towards Baekhyun, and that realisation was like being stepped on, kicked in the groin and then choked near death. 

He felt like crying –had been feeling that way for the past days–, not knowing what to do. He did know, though, that this pain would stay the same until Baekhyun decided it was enough torture. Even knowing Baekhyun knew what was going on with him, Jongin couldn’t hate him or get mad at him, another realisation he wasn’t too happy about. He then decided enough was enough and that he’d call his mother the next day during his lunch break.

 

When he woke up again, it was to Baekhyun kissing his bare chest and neck while mumbling something that sounded a lot like ‘you’ve got to go to work’. 

At first, he was enjoying it, carding his fingers through Baekhyun’s hair and sighing happily at the feeling of those lips against his skin. Then he remembered where he and Baekhyun were standing at the moment and stiffened. 

“What? I don’t want you all cranky on your second first day, okay?” He said, noticing Jongin going tense underneath him; “I also made you breakfast, so rise and shine my love,” he finished, leaving one more kiss on Jongin’s cheek, before getting up and disappearing.

Jongin hated getting his hopes up.

This change in Baekhyun’s demeanour was strange, but it didn’t mean anything, except Jongin’s heart refused to get the memo. To it, this meant Baekhyun wanted to get back with him, as if talking to Bora had meant something, as if it had changed something. Jongin knew in his mind that this, however, was nearly impossible, if not completely, but what in the world was Baekhyun trying, then? Sleeping with him, making him breakfast and kissing him to wake him up? Baekhyun had stopped doing that the moment he’d decided they’d be friends instead of lovers.

Walking out of his room had required a lot of effort on his side; he didn’t want to see Baekhyun and he didn’t want to go to work. Of course, he wasn’t that lucky. 

Baekhyun had prepared an American breakfast, though, including black coffee and not their usual tea. 

“This is how I show you how much I care about you having to start working a week earlier than me,” Baekhyun said, grinning. 

Bastard. 

“Thank you, you’re sooo considered,” Jongin told him as he rolled his eyes.

Baekhyun teased Jongin throughout their breakfast and, by the time it was time for Jongin to leave, he was feeling a bit more human. 

“Okay, Baek. Think I’m off, see you later,” Jongin shouted, putting his shoes on. 

Baekhyun walked hurriedly out the kitchen, “wait, wait.” 

He hugged Jongin, who just stood there and almost didn’t hug him back, too dumbstruck to do so. Then, he unexpectedly pecked Jongin on the lips, to just open the door for him and usher him out. 

Once the door had closed, fully knowing Jongin wouldn’t come back inside to demand answers out of him –which made him feel horribly guilty–, he slid to the floor and started crying. 

When he finally found the strength to stop and get up off the floor, he decided he’d sleep his headache away; he still had at least ten hours to get everything done. He didn’t go to his room, though, going into Jongin’s instead.

He woke up two and a half hours later, his face puffy and swollen and his head still sore. 

His mobile phone was ringing, which was weird. Baekhyun was not a loner, he was actually quite the extrovert, but he avoided becoming part of people’s lives at all costs. He never even gave his number to people, telling them that if they wanted to get to him, they had to call Jongin. Jongin didn’t really mind because whenever it happened, it meant they’d get to party and get shitfaced, and that was never a bad thing, ever. He was going to pick it up, but seeing his boss’ name on the screen he decided against it. Oh, sweet. He’d go to his workplace later.

His stomach grumbled aggressively, so he went back to the kitchen, grabbed some granola bars and a bottle of lime juice and went to his own room this time. He had never liked packing, so he just put a few pants, socks, t-shirts, his toothbrush and his wallet, as well as his passport and other legal stuff in a rucksack. 

It took him less than an hour to gather all his favourite things and put them in a box. He wasn’t going to take it with him; it was just to let Jongin know he’d be back someday and that he could get rid of the rest. He scribbled a ‘very important things (do not put this in the garbage)’ on top of it anyway, just in case. He proceeded to tidy up the whole flat and by the time he was finished it was a quarter past one in the afternoon. 

Leaving everything in its place, he went to the bathroom, showered and got dressed again, careful not to leave his dirty underwear on the floor. He sprayed some of Jongin’s cologne on himself and then he was gone.

 

First, he went to the place he was supposed to start working at next week, the place he’d been working at for the past three years. When he told his boss he was leaving, her face fell.

“Baekhyun, you’re part of the reason we still have clients!” She told him, “but if leaving is going to help you feel better, then I’ll wish you the best.” 

He was glad to hear he’d been such a good employee. 

Later, he went to Jongin’s workplace, unsurprisingly finding him out, smoking.

“It’s been dead today, not a soul has stepped inside since I came back from lunch,” he explained.

“I’m sorry, Jongin,” Baekhyun replied, “I must be really confusing. I don’t deserve you.”

While Baekhyun did his best not to cry, Jongin tried his best not to slap him. 

“Baekhyun. Look at me,” he did as he was told, “I don’t give a shit about you being confusing, you’ve always been confusing, but I think I’ve coped fine with it so far,” Jongin said, hoping he didn’t sound as scared as he was feeling; he wanted to get his point across, since his words were true. Baekhyun looked in pain.

“You need to understand that I am not going to leave you, whether we deserve each other or not,” Jongin continued, pressing a soft kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead, “I love you, Baekhyun. That’s not going to change whether we’re friends or lovers, and I’m not going to apologise for feeling or saying it either.”

For a few minutes, all Baekhyun could do was stand there, trying not to cry. 

“I love you too, Jongin,” he walked towards Jongin and hugged him tightly again. This time, Jongin held onto him, too. 

He felt Jongin’s lips on his hair and fisted his hands against the fabric of Jongin’s jumper. 

“I’ve got to go,” he said after pressing a light kiss on Jongin’s neck –Baekhyun loved doing it, Jongin loved when Baekhyun did it on his own.

“See you later, then,” was all Jongin said. Baekhyun took this as his cue to leave and never look back. 

‘You won’t see me later’ was all he could think about.

He found himself in a restaurant bathroom five minutes later, washing his face and waiting until he was sure he wouldn’t cry. Leaving Jongin had been the hardest part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a chapter that's left me satisfied! I really hope you like it too.

**Author's Note:**

> Not really sure how often I'll be updating, but I'm hoping it will be once a week, or once every two weeks. I'm still making no promises about it! I also don't know how many chapters long this will be, but somewhere between 10 and 15?


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